Let me start by stating that I´m not expert, and I have to write this in English hoping to reach a much broader audience, if I have any. Let me also say that this post is about personal experience and I will be commenting about the latest celebrity suicide.

Unfortunately this happens a lot but we just don’t get to hear about them, because they are ordinary people like you and I.

People have commented that it was a selfish act because she left a daughter behind, and yes, it can be seen like that, but NONE of us have any right to judge. That is the last thing anyone that has gone thru any depression, or any sort of mental health problem wants to hear.

From personal experience, feeling like dying is sometimes the only thing you can think about, and you put your personal feelings above anyone else’s. If you have kids, you don’t care. If you have parents – you don´t care. If you have siblings – you don’t care.

You can be depressed but not suicidal, that I know… and it sometimes switches for no apparent reason. You can have a loving family, friends, the best job, a degree, and a life that from the outside, looks great. In reality, it is anything but.

I can now honestly say that I thank God that I went thru what I went thru. We all have our crosses (family, trauma, disease, etc…) that gives you suffering, pain, desperation, but when we don’t have a spiritual anchor, we look for ways to escape from it. We turn to sex, drugs, alcohol, and we cripple our emotions that ultimately we cease to ¨feel¨.

In my case, I was blessed to have a family that even though our actions were not catholic, or christian, we had some sliver of the holy spirit since we had been baptised. I went to catholic school when little and were dragged to church every sunday by my parents. Lived in the ¨world¨and pretended to be a good catholic once a week.  

College and a real job came and it was church here and there, sinning my ass off and still taking the body and blood of christ, here and there. Completely closed off to anything that would bring me closer to God. Instead, you rely on your own power, thinking that you can change the past, that you can change yourself, that you can change your circumstances, and when you realize that you can´t – creeps in the hopelessness.

The negative, the self deprecating thoughts, the unworthiness, can’t do anything right, you are just occupying space, nobody really loves you, you´ll be better off dead. Yup…. you start with a small drop and slowly drop by drop, the hole gets bigger and bigger, and then it comes to a point, were you just want to bury yourself in it. You try and thankfully and by the grace of God, it does not happen. Meanwhile, there were family, friends, and church peeps praying for me the whole time.

After much therapy, medicine, church, prayers, and a lot of just looking for the things of God instead of following what the world sells me I should be looking for.

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